There was a reason that You said “don’t sign in yet” while I was typing in my computer password, part of my evening routine of coming home, dropping my stuff, getting into comfortable clothes, arranging my things, putting away groceries, and (inevitably) checking my email.
But I ignored You; I had a hard heart. I wanted to finish what I had started. It was just signing in, anyway…I decided not to check my email right away. But
then there was the little Skype icon and sound of a hello. And the thoughts of “I can’t handle this right now; I just got home; I need a break…I can’t handle a cross-cultural conversation yet…I just left school.” And the guilt of ignoring someone, and the realization of what You meant in the first place (You had other ideas for how this was going to shake down).
You want to save me from these little battles. Of guilt and availability, honesty and boundaries. You want to save me from the inner turmoil that is stealing my joy and my health (I am sick for the third time this season, and I’m pretty sure it has to do with the inner burdens I carry these days).
As I finally pushed everything aside, finally got comfortable (which is a task, not a pleasure), finally collapsed on my bed, my thoughts were,
I can’t stop. I can’t stop. I can’t stop or I’m not worth anything.
Wait, what? Did I just say that? I knew my duty was encroaching on my joy, but I think it’s become a monster that’s eating me inside out. It means I can’t love myself, can’t be confronted when I make a mistake (related to my doing), can’t stop to admire the Beautiful One. And it’s affecting my other relationships with my housemates and community (most of my doing is related to my job and relationships there).
That’s what You want to save me from… and to You. To Your freedom, Your mercy, Your grace and forgiveness. These days it’s hard to pray anything but “revive me according to Your lovingkindness.”
So the next time You say, “don’t log in yet.” Help me to listen. Help me to pause, and look at You.
Forget the login. What were You saying?
